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| All I need is "U" |
It’s a sick feeling yes, loads of disappointment and sadness takes over hard strong feelings of love and care. It’s so sick that you start hating and feel sorry for yourself. You feel more disgusted about it when you realize that this ain’t the first time someone made you feel like sh*t and used you for their own benefits. Imagine waking up the next morning with that terrible feeling knowing that the one you cared about the most just left. How can someone just leave? How can they just walk away? Just like that? At the snap of the fingers? Like their mind just got erased and all the memories suddenly no longer existed? As if they never met?
Here’s an example, the girl you know and your group of friends know, call her a sl*t. I want to ask them who gave them the right to? Why never thought that all those people she was with broke her apart every single time, and there she was with someone new with the belief that he won’t leave her. Fake promises, the mentality of people in the world we live in. people call her sl*t just because she could move on easily? How can one be so sure of it? Is it for some attention that the one you call a sl*t is a sl*t because she cuts herself or smokes a cigarette? Or maybe for the fact that you might’ve thought what if she shared the bed with you but you just weren’t that good enough? You see, Judging people, giving advises, giving people a chance, that’s all the ethics of friendship and love. Sometimes all this time you pray and beg for is a chance to make things right, and then when you get the chance, a chance maybe you don’t deserve but still you get it and as it comes in front of you, you don’t want to talk about it? Barbie dolls.
That girl you call a sl*t is also facing the same troubles as I am, Facing the wrath of people who can throw you away at any given point of time. She’s not a sl*t. she’s a brave girl, brave and a strong one who’s probably looking for a shoulder to cry on. Who still believes in humanity which I suppose is long gone and dead.
I mean... what the heck? Whatever happened to friendship? Whatever happened to true love? It’s all a myth, the big writers and their best-selling novels about love and friendship are nothing but loads of bullsh*t period. Nothing but big junk of lies, coz nothing of that sort works around with anyone, or even if it works, you’ll have to find that person? Yeah right, another stupid journey to make which will lead you back to right where you began.
Sometimes, when I see a child sleeping on bricks I believe that hard stones seem to be more merciful than some people's hearts. The world we live in, the world where I think that friends are everything? And that they’ll stand for you whenever you need them? It’s never gonna happen. There are no such stereotypes. You spend late nights talking and sharing and trying to understand their pain and give them a way out only to realize later on that friend of yours left you in the very state once he/she were and the most terrible part is that you don’t know what the way is out. You try to hold someone’s hand in the process, get back up and try to move on and for holding that someone’s hand and coming out doesn’t come for free, it’s a two way process of give and take obviously. Coming to the point, Yes. Moving on. How can someone ever move on? This is something that one cannot do who very well knows how it feels when someone walks out of your life. All it takes the caption – She/he is no more in your life. The bubble then bursts suddenly and the tears finally start streaming down. It’s seriously unrealistic, care little for friends you’ll lose them, and then care too much, you end up getting hurt.
I honestly feel so weak and emotions make me go so insane. Even though I want to catch a grip on myself, still I lose the control. My tears start to fall slowly on the ground. Everything just gives a feeling of fading away. You know the friend who says they hate when someone does something to them? And then turns around and does it to you the same day? Yeah, I have that friend. And I have a lot of other friends that I call them with different definitions.
“You lied, you lied to me with a smile on your face convincing me to believe you and yes indeed I believed you but look where it got me now, sad, lonely, angry and depressed I hate u!” – Yes, the conditions I suffer or anyone else would after being left out like a junk of garbage with no recycling feature. Forget dying, I'm already dead. My eyes are empty. I'm just a body with no soul. I walk around, and I'll smile and I'll laugh; but I don't feel anything. I'm just numb, and I'm terrified. How long after you stop feeling. Do you stop living? Not all scars show and not all wounds heal. Some people's pain stings more than others, while other's pain you can never compare. It’s funny sometimes; I mean who need knives or blades to cut your own skin when the words or the deeds these close ones of ours are as sharp as ever. They cut through the entire way, right upto the heart where it hurts the most, and as it keeps pinching you down there, the watery eyes make you choke as if you’re sinkin’ deep under the ocean trying to survive and swim back to the shore. How much more miserable can someone’s life be?
So there's this constant pain in my chest, and my tears always seem to be screaming the truth that my heart can't say... It’s called heartbreak. Heartbreak isn’t always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling, and the most painful thing is that no one really hears it except you.
I guess life isn’t meant for people who give out more than they should. They’re weak to stand in a large crowd and amongst people who can move on at any given point of time.
Well, Friendship, Love, what’s the difference? Nothing...
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Well, and what if it does? What would you say about that?
All I wonder now, is the heart rendered useless when it no longer longs to cry?
Dropping dead now…
Dropping Dead Now...
Can I do that? It doesn’t seem that way. I am still lying down trying to be dead, but it’s too much to deal with before I can rest in peace. I have to live this stupid life completely. Am I depressed? Is this how it really feels to be alone? This feeling gets me. It scares me and yes, it hurts me.
It’s already over and I still have no clue what’s keeping me in this moment. If it was so easy to move on, then I suppose I wouldn’t have been in this phase. I’m smiling but these tears that falls to the ground. Is this normal? Yes. Probably coz I guess no smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through tears. Very beautiful tears!
Some people say if ever there is a person who’s by your side in your worst times, then he’s not just a friend but a savior of both. But what will you call that savior who betrays you in a manner that even your worst enemy could never think of? The only question that remains in the end is, ‘Where did I go wrong?’
It’s not like I never tried. No matter how much things get worse there’s always a way out. Until and unless, the one with whom you are, doesn’t want it to happen. And thus, I suppose breakups happen and friendships break. I’m just a part of those stereotypes now that are walking aimlessly in this world.
- I’m tired of this! Tired of us!
- I’m tired of keeping up with these promises!
- I’m tired of arguing every now and then!
- I’m tired of being taken for granted!
Puns of relationships. Those reasons mentioned are just amongst a few of many moments when you can define what it that you share with your partner is. Is this what relationship is all about? Is it even a relationship?
Questions and their answers turn out to be nothing but something that we always knew. And it was a certain feeling that told me quite a long time ago. ‘Fear’ told me.
Fear told me about getting that cold shoulder. The time when either she leaves or I leave her or when either of us would beg for a chance that we think we deserve. But she would least care about it. – As if I was history already. It’s not that she left me. She just let go.
My fear was right after all. The only thing it never told me that I would have to cry so much for it! Cry my guts out with only one question, ‘Where the fu*k did I go wrong?’ An answer that I’d never get but instead get loads of disappointments and swears that I gave to myself for being a jerk. Yes. This is what love is! I’ve loved her so very much that I have begun to hate myself for it! I’ve been so much into her that I had forgotten the way I had lived through when she wasn’t around. It gives me the chills at the very thought of it. The very thought of beginning it all over. I never want to live my old life once again! I want her back! I want us back!
Every drop that fell to the ground, I had begun to lose all my senses and hope of saving myself from falling apart. But it’s human, isn’t it? To cry for what you have lost even when you realize it was never yours? It never ever was?
When everything falls apart, it’s not the pain that kills; it’s that fu*king hope that will. That small ray of hope dwindling with my faith and all those possibilities that’s gonna change me and the present.
So I have been brought down on my knees and yes it hurts. It exceeds the amount of tears I cry. Coz the love and care I have is still so much more than I had expressed. The chance that I deserved to explain and let out my thoughts was far too gone and as I turned that call down I was nothing but a fragment of past for her. The smiles I used to cherish are the same smile that now literally makes me choke. That beautiful smile was nothing but an ugly little smirk that was telling me, ‘Hey, guess what? You were played’. Every word that came out of her mouth was cold and lifeless. And it kept breaking me bit by bit until my heart couldn’t take it anymore.
I can’t sleep. There’s so much to lose. Perhaps I’ll never know what love is, or what comes before that. I don’t even know what I shared. All I know is that I stood by her always, in her good times and especially in her bad times. Maybe none of this makes sense. Maybe it was never love at all.
The sun is rising and it’s rays passing through the curtains falling over my face. No matter how warm, but it cannot beat the heavy feeling I hold inside of me. I must rise. But nobody will ever know how I came this way. Because people never look past a smile and then there would be some who might but nothing beats apart the feeling of someone leaving you broken midway. I can ignore it but I cannot ignore the pain and the moments. I’ve lived through it. It will always be there, a bitter truth. There will be friends around where I might just blend in, save myself from going insane with the thoughts that keep haunting me only to realize now that I can now fake it. I can be just like everyone else.
Maybe someday we’d meet. And that day maybe we’d rather not want to remember the worst part of the past but only the good. But no matter what we do. The scars will always be there at the back of our mind and they will never fade away. For that someday will be the day when you’d remember the very same day you decided to walk away. For friends never leave half-way. True friends always find a way to come back together. And true friends are stitched together by fate and time.
So this heartbreak is still constant for the feathers are still falling quietly. But the uprising has begun. And today’s the day where I have known that everything in this life is difficult to achieve, even friends. Because it does not matter whether you’re with a group of people or hundreds of people, you are still alone. Just as time passes the pictures will never fade but the person in that picture will have a different story to tell. For people do change. There are no tests to be passed. And certainly one cannot know for sure whether the one beside you will or will not break your heart. Coz when it falls apart you’d never know what hit you, until you know you’re down on your knees. Because everyone’s going to hurt you though it’s upto you to decide who’s worth the pain...
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